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Showing anger, irritability and tantrums is a normal emotional process in children, but when it starts happening again and again, parents often lose their temper. Many times, parents get angry and start shouting at their children or punish them severely. According to child psychologists, instead of calming the child’s anger through scolding and physical punishment, his nature can become more stubborn, rebellious and aggressive. Modern Positive Parenting teaches that simply suppressing behavior without understanding children’s feelings is not a permanent solution to the problem. If you use a calm mind and correct psychological techniques, children’s anger can be easily controlled without any punishment or shouting.
1. First keep yourself completely calm (Mirroring Technique)
When a child is screaming in anger, the parent’s first reaction is to yell too. In psychology it is called ’emotional contagion’. Children immediately copy their parents’ facial expressions and tone of voice. If you remain calm yourself and keep your voice low and serious, the child’s agitated nervous system will gradually begin to calm down. Responding to anger calmly teaches the child how to maintain composure in difficult situations.
2. Naming and accepting feelings (Validate Feelings)
Parents often say, “Why is there a need to cry over such a small thing?” By saying this the child understands that his feelings are not valued. Instead, acknowledge her feeling and say, “I understand that you feel bad and angry because the toy broke.” When the child feels that his views and pain are being understood, his internal stress and anger automatically reduces by 50 percent.
3. Deep Breathing and the ‘5-4-3-2-1’ Grounding Technique
When the child is extremely angry, instead of immediately scolding him, make him practice deep breathing. You can make it like a game, like “Let’s blow out a candle and smell a flower.” Also use the 5-4-3-2-1 grounding technique, in which ask the child which 5 things he can see in the room and which 4 things he can feel by touch. This process takes the child’s mind away from anger triggers and focuses on the present.
4. Use ‘time-in’ instead of ‘time-out’
In traditional parenting, children are given a ‘time-out’ in a room alone if they make a mistake, which makes children feel neglected and isolated. Instead, adopt the ‘time-in’ approach. This means sitting with the child during times of anger, providing a safe space and saying, “I’m sitting right here with you, when you’re ready to talk, we’ll talk.” It makes the child feel secure and removes loneliness.
5. Give the child a hug (magic hug)
Physical touch has immense healing power. When the child is overexcited, gently ask him, “Do you want a hug?” Hugging releases ‘oxytocin’ (hormone of love and peace) in the body and the levels of ‘cortisol’ (stress hormone) fall immediately. This touch has the ability to melt the child’s aggressive behavior in a moment.
6. Strategies to distract and provide creative alternatives
Logical conversation does not work at the height of anger. At that time, the most sensible step is to divert the child’s attention towards some other positive activity. If the child is adamant on something, instead of scolding him, give him water to drink, take him out to the balcony to watch birds or play his favorite music. After getting distracted his mind comes into a state of thinking logically.
7. After calming down, discuss the solution (Problem Solving)
When the child’s anger cools down completely, then talk to him lovingly. Ask him what made him feel bad and how he can explain it by speaking up instead of yelling or throwing things the next time he feels that way. Make it clear to the child that it is not wrong to be angry, but it is completely unacceptable to misbehave, break things or hurt others when angry.
8. Praise good and calm behavior openly
Positive Reinforcement is the strongest weapon for improving the behavior of children. Whenever the child behaves calmly without getting angry in a stressful situation or explains his point calmly, praise him openly. Tell him how much you like his calm manner. When a child receives praise for good behavior, he tries to repeat the same behavior in the future.